Be angry at the disease, not yourself.

I struggle with self blame. It's not because I am a masochist, mind you. The way I think is that if something negative is going on then you have a responsibility to fix it. You can't sit around and wait for someone else to do it for you. You are the master of your own destiny, and all of that stuff. Fixing it seems to be subjective, and downright stupid sometimes in the way I do so. You know, by blaming myself in a hundred different ways.

Blaming yourself for the effects of fibromyalgia is just stupid. But if you are like me, you do exactly that. You expect to be able to fix things, and when you try and it doesn't work you don't know what the hell to think. More exercise, eating right, taking your Topamax and Celexa on time every single day and sleeping enough. That should be enough, right? That's how you fix it, right?

I have mentioned pain with my disease, but that by far is NOT the worst symptom. The worst is the "fibro fog". When I am in a flare my memory is shot. I have to look in my phone for my phone number. I can't tell you my daughter's teachers names. I might have to think really hard to remember my house number, and I would be lying if I said I haven't walked outside to look.

You are so stupid. Are you sure you aren't mentally retarded? You can't let anyone know you struggle like this, they can't know how dumb you are. But you know, they probably already do know and you are too dense to see that.

Those are the thoughts that accompany a fibro fog. There is a huge amount of shame in it. HUGE. And it is anxiety provoking. I mean, what if this never gets better? It inevitably does, fibro fog doesn't last forever. But in those moments you wonder when you are going to start drooling and be placed in a home. I know this isn't a politically correct way to think, but I won't apologize for my true thoughts while dealing with this.

Last year I was in school. At the beginning of the semester I was rocking it. 100's on everything, great feedback from my professors, life was awesome. See, I was going back to school after an academic probation period where I had dropped classes during a flare but not in time to get an incomplete. So fine, I figured I had to get all A's and my GPA would turn out ok.

A few things happened that semester. I was laid off from my job. Without going into too much detail, this was an incredibly crushing, emotional thing to me. I took it very personal. I also developed another flare and had the worst fibro fog I have ever had. I know stress can cause a flare, but I can't blame the job. I believe a flare was starting right before I was unceremoniously dropped on my newly unemployed kiester.  

When it comes to studying I love it. Writing papers, I love it! History as a subject? Heck yes, I love history! So you would think that an exam in history with mostly short essay questions would be easy-peasy, correct? Wrong.

I studied for this exam like there was no tomorrow. Reading the text book, I could see the battles in my mind, imagined the treaties and peace talks like I was actually there. I daydreamed about the industrial revolution, politics of the 50's and 60's, I loved it all. So exam day came and I was set to take my exam at 11 am. I dropped my son off at school and was at my school by 9 am. I spent two hours going over notes in the library (and I may have jumped on Facebook once or twice for a few minutes) and it didn't feel right. I had flashcards from the study guide, and I realized I was stumped more often than not. Now, I knew this stuff! It was in the back of my head, kind of like when you see someone but can't quite recall their name. As soon as they say their name (or you flip over the flashcard, in my case) you thought "Oh how silly. How could I not remember that?"

I chalked all this up to nerves. I knew I would be ok, I knew this stuff. I grabbed a coffee, thinking the caffeine would help (maybe I am just tired, and yes I was exhausted even though I slept the night before very well). Walked into the testing center, registered and grabbed my exam from the proctor and sat down.

I couldn't remember a single thing. At first I panicked. I started going through the pages, thinking if I could remember some of it then the rest would come back to me. Nothing, omg nothing. So I closed the pages, turned it over and closed my eyes for a minute. I needed to relax, I knew this stuff but my brain was on overload. Breathe in, breathe out. You are ok. Getting as calm as I was going to get, I turned the test back over and nothing came to me. My mind was blank. There wasn't even a hint of a place to start to jog my memory.

I turned in the exam with my name on it and nothing answered. Then I went to my car to cry. Actually, I hate crying in front of anyone, so I drove to the Target parking lot, parked way away from the store and then I cried.

There is something wrong with you. You are not smart enough for these classes. Just face it, you will never graduate. You are too old to be in school anyways. Get your head out of the clouds and go work a job you hate, at least it's an income. I mean really, just stop trying. You aren't smart enough. 

Ok, I am trying not to cry as I write those thoughts out in italics. Because it's still very raw for me. I still have a hard time not believing those things. Please don't feel sorry for me though, I am learning something.

What I am learning is not to hate myself for these perceived deficiencies. Hate the disease. The disease that made me eventually get on academic suspension. The disease that made me unable to work as fast as the other people at my job (because I couldn't control my hands as well as they could). The disease that made me forget my phone number while calling to leave a message with my doctor to see if I needed to be seen in the office or just go up a dose in meds. This is what my doctor told me, after reaming me out for not coming in sooner. Be mad at the disease, not myself.  If I can be mad at myself for anything, it would be that. Not taking care of myself and just letting fibromyalgia impact me to the point where I could only write my name on a test.

Fibromayalgia is frightening, painful and yes I am mad as hell at it. But I have to adopt a different attitude. I don't want to be that person hopped up on drugs, sitting at home all day unable to function. That sounds like a nightmare to me, so no thank you. I need to work, I need to be out in the world, I need to be coherent and functional. I will never get that way if I don't let fibromyalgia teach me how to take care of myself. And that is what it boils down to, for all of us with this. You have to accept the limitations, but you are responsible for leading the best life you can with the least amount of limitations. And you will never, let me repeat never, lead that life by being angry at yourself. 

Here is what I believe. Even though I have been trying for over a decade to finish my degree (and I have not been nearly as successful as I would like to be) I will finish it one day. I will never finish it by punishing myself. I realize that now, it is so self defeating. I am far from a stupid person, in fact I would even say I am pretty intelligent. But I have to be smart enough to manage this disease if I want to be productive. So, time to be angry at the problem. Not the person.