Fibro... what?

So. Normally I am a pretty good writer. Some of you may have read other things by me in the past. I thank you for all of the love and support with those projects. I can't even begin to explain how awesome that has been. 

I have taken a long time off from writing. So as I explain this it might be rambly (is that a word?) but hopefully it explains some things. 

I am hard on myself. Very hard. Like too damn hard. I need to say that so that maybe you understand where my head has been through out this whole process. And I am not saying this has been a good thing. It's really been quite devastating to me, in many ways.

This all started with my hands hurting and having no energy. Let me describe the hand pain. Imagine wearing gloves that are way too big, and way too tight. And inside of the gloves your hands ache like someone has beat you repeatedly across the hands with a hammer. Nothing helps this pain, but way too much (not overdose size, but not healthy either) ibuprofen does dull it. Then you get the tingles, all up and down your arms and in your hands. And then they get numb, you could stick a pin in them and probably not feel it. On top of that you feel exhausted, like you have the flu but no other symptoms besides the hand pain.

I love my doctor. She is the sweetest, nicest lady with a Romanian accent and she treats you like a mom would. I tell her about my pain, and this crushing exhaustion. She sends me for nerve conduction studies which show no definitive damage, therefore not carpal tunnel. She diagnosis peripheral neuropathy and gives me Topamax.

Topamax was AWESOME. Not only did it help with the pain, but it stopped my migraines cold. Now, I had no idea that I was having migraines. The best way I can describe my migraines is that light (even dim light) made me want to tear my eyeballs out, and made me feel like a giant was sitting on my head. And I got moody, oh man was I grouchy, when I got my migraines.

Fast forward about a year. The pain in the hands is back, but no numbness or tingling. Just that tight, horrid pain. I am also exhausted, more so then I have ever been. And now a new symptom, for me anyways. I hurt all over. You could not touch me on the shoulders or collar bones, although I never liked having my collar bones touched. It always felt icky and repulsive. But now, it hurt like hell. My arms hurt, my shoulders hurt, my back hurt, my butt hurt, my legs hurt... everything hurt.

How do I describe this pain? Well, it's like an all over toothache. It hurts in a way that makes you feel a little crazy. And like a cavity, if you touch it the pain intensifies.

Now, this is where I started to try to handle things myself. I was so stupid.

The self depreciation started. "You work at a desk all day long. You don't move around enough. No wonder you hurt! Get out there, exercise. Don't just sit at your desk, move around! You hurt because you have a lazy lifestyle! Fat ass!"

And so I took up jogging. I loved jogging. And I am not going to say it didn't help. Mentally I did feel better! But I couldn't breathe outside during my jogs. So, back to the doctor I went. Wheezing is not fun.

So I explain to my momma doctor that I was feeling a lot of pain and thought exercise would help. She starts to examine me and in certain places I am incredibly tender. I didn't think much of it, who knew about pressure points for fibro? Not me. I also am a person that doesn't show it when I get hurt, so I didn't say "When you palpated there it really hurt." and I walked off with my brand new inhaler, a prescription for a mild muscle relaxer, steroid script and thought life was grand. Asthma, eh ok.

And for a little while it was. I decided to stop trying to exercise outdoors (didn't want to cause an asthma attack) so I got yoga DVD's. I love those, I still use them. The stretching and crazy contortions while you fall over and laugh at yourself is the best exercise, ever. Downward dog? Hell yeah, baby.

It took a few months, but I flared again. The exhaustion was agonizing, overwhelming and depressing. I didn't have the energy to wash dishes or go to the store. The pain was insane at this point. Try going to a store and flipping through the clothing racks being agony. Having a bra on killed my shoulders, I would try not to wear one whenever I could get away with it. That wasn't often, considering I am large chested and going out in public with no bra would be highly embarrassing. And now another, new symptom. One that still carries on to this day. I was typing words but my hands weren't cooperating. I can spell like a champ, but I couldn't remember how to spell lots of words, and forget typing them out. In fact, my brain seemed to be in rebellion. "I know I remember this, come on brain!" and it would reply "No. Just, no. And don't even try to type it, I will mess you up."

Me: major sad face.

So, back to my doctor again. And I am not going to lie, I was embarrassed at this point. I thought "She is going to think I am nuts, or a drug seeker, or a hypochondriac... or..."

Now, before I went I talked to my mom about my symptoms. She mentioned fibromyalgia to me, said she Googled it and I fit all of the symptoms. I was like "Fibro what? Eh, maybe." but didn't think much of it. I happen to think Dr. Google is a mad scientist, or just a bad man.

So, again I am sitting in the doctors office. We talk about my symptoms and she says she wants to do an exam. Ok, fine. I remove my shirt and she is rubbing with a little bit of pressure collar bones. She finds a sore spot and I yelp, then feel embarrassed, sure I sounded like a big sissy. Again on the upper chest "Ow!" Behind my elbow, on my upper back, by my hips, and now I was beginning to get a little mad because it all hurt very much and I didn't understand what the hell she was doing.

Diagnosis, Fibromyalgia. Fibro what? She explained it to me, and I understood what she was saying. It just seemed so... no not me. I am not sick. I am healthy! Maybe a bit fat, I could use some exercise, you know when I got my energy back. She then explained the pressure points and that I had a response on every single one. I felt like a big baby, I don't show pain. I am not sick. This can't be right. A pinched nerve maybe? And you want to give me an anti-depressant? What the heck? I am not sad! I don't care if this is used to treat fibromyalgia, are people with fibro chronically sad and that's why they hurt? This makes no sense.

This blog will demonstrate my journey with fibromyalgia. My hands may not work as well as they used to and spell check may not help the stupid fibro fog I get pretty often. I will try my best to share it with you though, this disease I share with millions of others. More to come, hands are tired. :)

Take care everyone.